Feeding Time
by Dawnandspike4eva
Summary: The basement was cold as Dawn walked down the stairs. She didn't want to be here but she had to. Because it was her job tonight to feed him, like he was an animal. Accept she had to hold the blood pack above him as he sucked out the crimson liquid.


Always just in the way and for once the past didn't matter. Because it had all led up to this. This worthless lie they were all living. Buffy was far too preoccupied with being the slayer to notice anyone around her. Least of her sister, or ex-vampire-lover. No one cared about anyone but themselves. Didn't care because they didn't want to. Each day almost everyone one of them were faking it. Just to survive. The First was in the way of their numbness. But for Buffy it was a way to focus all her hate on one thing, slaying. The only excuse she ever used. Being the slayer. Thats why she was angry, hated herself, why she was numb. Being the slayer she had to be. To save the world.

The basement was cold as Dawn walked down the stairs. She didn't want to be here but she had to. Because it was her job tonight to feed him, like he was an animal. Accept she had to hold the blood pack above him as he sucked out the crimson liquid. It made things harder. Having to watch him in his demon face, weak and vulnerable. She looked at the blond vampire who was shackled to the wall. He looked tired, and alone. She hated being alone. Hated seeing him be alone. It was painful. Just to watch. To remember. How they were once best friends. Spent an entire summer together after they met. Because they had no one else. And they knew no one would ever care about them like they did each other. Because they actually cared enough to feel, felt enough to care. That summer they owned. That some of broken promises and warm nights. Their summer. Dawn looked at Spike who tilted his head up when he saw her standing above him. He attempted a smile and then sighed. He looked down and waited a few seconds before he spoke.

"So they sent you to feed the animal this time." He shook his head. "Why wont she just kill me?" He asked thoughtful. Always thinking. Because he couldn't get out of his own head. Stuck with this soul he wished he had never fought for. Bled for. Because the suffering was far worse when you could actually feel it. Taste it.

Dawn knelt down beside him. Their positions reversed. "I overheard you guys talking earlier." She sighed. "What did you do to girls like me Spike?" Dawn asked almost angry.

"I guess it's worth telling you. Maybe you'll have the spine to kill me." Spike half smiled. "Girls your age were more fun." Spike began. "Just young enough that their pure, just old enough to feel guilty for what I did to them. I always know just the right amount of blood to take. Enough so their in pain, and almost dead, enough so they can't fight, enough so they can still scream. Cry and scream while I rip away that innocence. Put them through more torture then they bargained for when they followed me into that dark alley." Spike tried not to let his wavering voice crack. Because he was dying from the remorse. Wanted to just die, so he couldn't do it again. But knew there was no hope unless he made her hate him. Know what he could do to her.

"I half expected that much." She nodded. "What made you so different?" She asked as her chromatic eyes fluttered. She didn't want to shed a tear. Seeing him like this was all too much. Loving him was harder. And hating him was even worse.

"The chip, the soul, take your bloody pick." He tried to wave a hand but wasn't surprised when it was suppressed by a shackle.

"No, before that." She nodded. "It was a little before that Spike." Dawn sighed. "You were different. Soft almost. I mean I know you were never soft. But you started feeling bad about not feeling bad." She was right. Something in Spike had changed. Something had made him not want the unlife he was leading. Something wanted more. Sure before that he would spend his days killing young girls and before that riping out a shopkeepers rib cage for his love Drusilla. But sometime between the killing and the chip he changed. He wanted more.

"I guess your right pet." He shrugged with a hint of fear in his passionate eyes. "Always are though." Spike looked hurt. His eyes were always glossed over with some slight pain now.

"Here." She sighed holding the blood pack to his lips. He changed into his game face and bit into the plastic filled with the scarlet fluid. He started sucking at the bag making smacking sounds. His eyes locking with hers. She couldn't hate him. No matter how much she wanted to. Couldn't despise him as he drained the blood from the container. Couldn't hate him even when he killed girls her age. As he lay there weak. Couldn't hate him even if he killed her. Would never hate him. Loved him too much. Because she wasn't like her sister and the vampire. She didn't love to hate. She didn't hate the ones she loved. She may hate to love. Because it hurt too much. But she could never hate the one she loved.

Once he was done he licked the blood from his lips and shook of his vampire facade. He couldn't look at her anymore. Because she was too pure. The epitome of what he use to destroy. Craved to demolish. But he looked at her now. Couldn't help it. Knew she wouldn't leave unless he did. Because she wasn't like the Scoobies. She wasn't scornful or weak. No matter how he tried to ignore her presence she would make him realize she was there, because she was a fighter. And she would battle to keep him alive. Fight for him. Like no one else would. Dawn looked at Spike with eyes that undid him every time. Left him wishing he didn't have a soul. Because then he couldn't feel guilty for every time he did her wrong. Every time he scorned her.

"Why don't you hate me?" He inquired, gazing into her view. He looked pained. He hated that she didn't hate him. Hated how he could feel only love and sympathy radiating from her form. Never hate like her sister. He could feel the weight of their stare. Both of them Felt hate searing from her sister. Felt only affections burning into him with Dawn. And it pained him worse then the hate. Would rather her despise him. Love was the only thing he couldn't bare.

"Because your you." She smiled frailly. "Spike, I can't hate you. I love you." She said looking at him. She hated telling him how she felt. But then again he was tied to the wall. Not like he could run around the house telling everyone the slayers little sister loved him.

"You should hate me. Your all kinds of wrong to love me Nibblet." Spike stared at her. His eyes bringing her down to his level. Bringing her low. Making her feel low. Like she had done something wrong by loving him. Like it was her fault not his. Like she was tainted, just like him. He was the only one who could do that. With just one word just one fleeting glance. Make you feel dirty for doing nothing. Make you feel flawed.

"I don't hate that easily." She shook her head. That was a lie. Because she did hate. She hated because she felt too much. Hurt too deep. Loved to hard. And was broken so easily. With one word. One glance. One touch. Broken. Torn. And left for dead. Too many times she opened up to people and got brought down. Down to his level.

"Of course you do pet." Spike smiled halfheartedly. He wanted to make her hate him, knew it wasn't possible. Because she loved him too much to hate him. She wasn't the type of girl to mix hate with love. Not like her sister. She just loved. And loved fully. With all of her soul. Spike only recently knew what that meant. Being that he hadn't had a soul before. "You hate just as easily as anyone else." He nodded.

"Maybe but not you." Dawn admitted. She sighed loud enough so they could both feel her distress. Dawn breathed in deep. She just sat there. Because she could never hate him. Never despise him no matter what he did. The things he did, the shell. Wasn't enough. No matter what he did, none of it was enough. Because she wanted to hate him. Hated that she couldn't but never hated him. She could hate her sister. Hate her for assigning her to feeding duty. Hate her for making this her job instead of fighting. Actually fighting. Because she could do that now. She could fight. But her sister didn't know that. Couldn't. Because she was just Dawn. Just the foolish brunette. The one who could talk. She was the connection they had to the real world now. Because she could convince people, could articulate. Spoke words they didn't understand, while they were entrapped in their Scooby language. Where everything ended in "y". She was the one who could give the motivational speeches now. Sure Buffy was good at those. A pro. But they were getting to rehearsed. So Dawn spoke the honest words. Told them what Buffy couldn't. Warned them that if they wanted to live they should leave now. Because this was war, and they were in the middle of it. Her job to deal with the dirty things.

"I'm sorry." Spike apologized solemnly. "For everything I did to you. Didn't do." He hung his head down. He looked like he was going to cry. And Dawn had no sympathy. Maybe she loved him. But there was still the anger. Not hate. But anger. She was angry. He let her down. Like everyone else did. But he wasn't supposed to let her down. The rest of them were, but not him. Never him.

"Don't be. Not like I didn't ask for it right?" She hissed standing up and she began to walk out the door. When she heard him start to speak.

"You do hate me." He sighed hurt laced in his weak tone. Never weak. But recently he was. A soul really is a terrible thing. Makes feeling painful. Makes everything sharper. Brighter.

Dawn turned around quickly. "No," She shook her head quickly. "I told you. I don't hate you. You use to be my best friend. Then you destroyed that. But I don't know you anymore." She growled tears in her eyes and continued up the stairs. She couldn't be near him because it was too hard. And when she heard him say he was sorry again she just kept walking. Because she couldn't feel sympathy. Didn't want to feel at all.

Dawn walked into the kitchen where Kennedy, Amanda, and Remy were all making a mess of their food. Dawn had gotten rather skinny because of this little issue. Never enough time to eat, never enough food to eat. So she had become another unnaturally skinny girl. Which only made her blend in more. Wasn't her normal self. The girl who was thin but had the perfect amount of meat on her bones. Now she was like her sister. With bags under her tired eyes and protruding ribs.

"Hey Dawnie!" Remy smiled wide. "How was the feeding?" She asked clueless. Didn't know about Dawn and Spike's past. Had no idea what he had once put her through. Best friends, and always something more. Something much more. Something she had repressed, something she made sure she never thought about.

"Remy!" Kennedy hissed. "Sorry Dawn. She doesn't know anything...like at all." She tried to make her smile but it didn't work. Just scared her. Wasn't use to people being actually nice. They all seemed to faun over Dawn. Because she was the pretty one. The one who actually treated them nice. The only who took them to the Bronze. The one who had been actually with Spike. In ways they only fantasized about. And she tried to forget. Because the scars were still fragile. Could still remember everything he promised. Everything he destroyed. So many times they just wished they could hear her explain what they did together. Because they were cooped up in a death trap and wanted a little more excitement in their lives, who knew? Dawn had almost completely forgotten about what they did together. But remembered all to well. So they all wanted to be best friends with the girl that got with Spike. The girl who was actually with William the Bloody. Not the weak Spike chained to the wall downstairs but the killer. Actually belonged to him at some point. Before things all fell apart.

"It's all right Kennedy." She sighed. "I know y'all are only so nice to me cause you wanna know everything about my past." She shook her head. "But it's not all that important, especially with whats going on right now." She half smiled. They really weren't old enough to be in the middle of this war. They were more interested in gossip then their lives.

"Dawn, were all petrified." Alis said walking into the room out of no where. "We all just want something else to focus on. What better then to have story time." She smiled.

"I mean you are pretty cool Dawn." Kennedy smiled amused. "You really knew William the Bloody and survived to tell the tale. Buffy couldn't do that, not be as close as you were. And you wont tell what you learned." Kennedy shook her head.

"I was closer then you think Kennedy." Dawn sighed with hurt in her shaky voice. Remembering was too much."You think I'm so cool because I use to know William the Bloody. I mean the real him." She frowned. "The killer. I was so cool that I could survive being that close." Dawn laughed. The sound wasn't graceful it was disturbing. Like her insides were being ripped out of her. "He may not have killed me but he came pretty damn close. He left me worse of then being dead." She admitted. "Maybe Buffy wouldn't be alive today if she got that close. But It doesn't make me "cool" ya know." She mocked. "It makes me a fool. Because I let him get that close. Close enough to destroy me." Dawn looked angry. "You really want the entire story. You come to me when your really ready to hear about real evil. When your ready to know about who William the Bloody really is. When your ready to know why hes tied up now. Why Buffy is so afraid of him, and why I have to feed him." Dawn rolled her eyes and walked out of the room.

"Wow!" Amanda sighed in shock.

"Well now I really wanna know." Kennedy smiled.

"Kennedy, are you serious. I'd pee myself If I actually knew what he was capable of." Amanda looked at her in shock.

"What are you all talking about?" Remy asked shoving a cookie into her mouth.

Dawn walked down the hallway and ended up in the living room. She saw Xander and Willow sitting down talking to her sister. They all looked up at her quickly. Maybe they had heard her. Cause they were certainly acting like it. She had never even told them the entire story. No more then what Spike told them. Because she didn't want to talk about it. Hurt too much. And because they would feel too bad that they couldn't save her from him. That they didn't even try. And she didn't want to pour on that kind of guilt. Spike was the only one she wanted to feel guilty. Because he was the one to blame. Him and her.

"Dawn?" Willows eyes filled with sympathy. Pathetic sympathy. Dawn hated that. Sympathy was worse then hatred. Worse then not caring at all. Worse. Because it meant you were really pathetic enough that someone felt bad for you. Your pain was really that bad. Willow went to speak "I'm so so-"

"No!" Dawn hissed her eyes glossing over with pain. "I can't, can't take sorry Willow. I haven't thought about any of this in a long time. And I just don't want to." She nodded breathing in as she held in the tears.

"Dawn," Buffy looked at her. "Maybe you should tell them. I think they might need to know. We don't know what the first is capable of. And we can't seem to stop it from doing whatever it wants. What if the first does something to Spike. They should know how bad he really is." Buffy nodded. It was a good lie. Because Buffy wanted her sister to get it all out. Knew she needed to tell someone. It was better then this. This constant pain.

Dawn just nodded. "Fine." She caved. "Send them up and I'll tell them. All they want to hear. Don't blame me if half of them leave." She ran up the stairs in a hurry. She would tell them. Because he sister told her to. And she always did what she asked. Didn't know why but she did. Because she was the slayer, because she was her sister. Dawn laid on her bed trying not to think. Because it only hurt. Because she could only feel. Pain. Because this was all her lie of a life. Pretending every day was all right. When she never stopped thinking about him. The past. How he was before. And how it all changed. Had once been.

A few hours later the rest of the potentials wandered into her room silently. They all sat around her bed. They shut the door behind them and Dawn watched as they scurried to find a place to sit. Kennedy hopping onto her bed without hesitation. Wanting to know the most out of all of them. Half of them not really wanting to know. Scared. Interested.

"So your all here so I can tell you about Spike huh?" Dawn sat up and breathed in deeply.

"Buffy said it would be best if we learned more about it. If you told us how cruel he can be." Cindy nodded always the one to state the obvious.

"Yeah, well I don't see how it can help in a any way. You'll all be dead if he comes back." Dawn sighed. "But fine. I'll tell you, I'm sure Buffy thinks this is a good therapy session or something. Telling a bunch of potentials about my problems."

"That hurts." Kennedy put her hand to her chest.

"So you have to hear things from the very beginning if you want to know what happened." Dawn began. "Spike has changed a lot. So many different times. Hes been soulful Spike. Been semi evil but feeling guilty about it Spike. And hes been William the bloody, the real killer. I've known ever one of his sides. First one I met was the more wanted to be evil Spike. When he wanted to kill my sister, but really wasn't the killer he once was." She breathed in deep. "I fell in love with him then. Real love. The kind most people never experience. The kind where you want them to be happy even if your not. Need them to be. But need to be with them all the time. I met him and I was weak then. So I went with him. When he asked me to go, I followed. Because I was week." She frowned as the memories began to flow into her head.

"_So Nibblet." Spike smiled wide. "You wanna come with me. I think maybe, you don't belong here. You belong with me. Got a nice place a ways away from here. You could live with me." Spike smirked._

"_I'm only fifteen." Dawn furrowed her _eyebrows

"_So." He shrugged. "I promise to take care of you right and proper." Spike continued making promises he knew he couldn't keep even back then. "Promise not to let anyone else hurt you." But back then she didn't hear the "anyone else" didn't get that he didn't promise he would never let himself hurt her._

"So I lived with him for a while." Dawn continued on her story. "The Scoobies never knew where we were. Never saw us leaving. Thought he had killed me." She sighed. "I loved him then. And he did take care of me. It was innocent back then. Pure. Because he treated me like a goddess. Worshiped me. Loved me." She smiled faintly.

"So what happened that brought back William the Bloody?" Kennedy asked confused. Wrinkling her forehead.

"Me." She frowned holding back tears. "He had promised me he would only drink blood from the butcher. And he didn't break that promise. Until I made him." Dawn paused not wanting to continue. Because the memories were too much. Far too much. "I told him to drink from me." She admitted. "Told him I wanted it as much as he did. But I was young and scared." She shook her head. "When he bit me I wasn't ready for it. So I screamed. Shouldn't have screamed." She shook her head almost talking to herself. "Brought out the love of the kill again. The love he thought he had forgotten. Replaced with me." She choked back the tears that wanted so badly to fall. "He remembered what it was like to feel someone quiver beneath him. Someone drained. But he didn't drain me." Dawn closed her eyes. "Kept me alive. As a play thing. And I let him. Let him take everything I had left. Let him destroy the friendship we had. Let him taint it. And I saw William the Bloody." She shook. "Saw the killer, made me watch him kill. Made me help. And instead of being innocent like it was before. We weren't the same. Weren't all flowers and gentle kisses. Never talked that much. We always use to go places together. Movies, dancing, that all changed. Always found something better to do, always found a closet somewhere." Dawn couldn't hold in one stray tear that slid down her cheek. "He never wanted to just talk, always thought actions were better then words." Dawn sighed.

"Wow!" Kennedy shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"You don't understand Kennedy." Dawn laughed. "That's not anywhere near how bad he was. That's just how he treated me. That's just a sliver of how terrible he was. Did I tell you he killed Giles." They all gasped. "Yeah right in front of my eyes. Angel too." She licked her lips. "Said I looked to Giles as a father figure, and that he wouldn't have. Said I was attracted to Angel. And that was even worse." Dawn fluttered her eyelashes. "Tortured them in front of me. Slowly. Very slowly." Dawn sighed. "So you think that William the Bloody is just another vampire. He is the only who even compared to the first. He's the only thing you should really be afraid of. He tends to go for the heart not the kill, and trust me thats worse." Dawn stood up and walked out the door not wanting to be near them.

"I don't get that story?" Remy looked confused.

Dawn walked down the stairs and into the living room. She saw Buffy and Xander and Willow all compiling some sort of plan. It was always like this. The potentials all together. The three of them always together. Anya of somewhere in the house. And Dawn was left with Spike. Like always. And she did still love him. Because she didn't fall in love with William the Bloody. She fell in love with her Spike. The one she knew. Loved him no matter what. And knew that there was no changing that. Knew that when he snapped it hadn't been him. It was someone else. The demon, it was the demon. It was feeding time again. Dawn grabbed a blood pack from the fridge and walked down the basement stairs. She saw him sitting on his cot now. Much better then the floor. Why they decided to allow him that Dawn would never know. Didn't know why he wasn't dust right now. Always by her words. Because she couldn't let them kill him. She walked over to him and sat beside him on the cot.

"Dawn?" He breathed and looked over at her. "I love you." He professed looking at her with pain in his blue eyes. Pain was always present now. Always. It was worse then being dead.

Dawn's eyes fluttered holding back the tears that fell anyway. "No," She hissed anger in her broken voice. "You're not allowed to do that." She whined and stood up. "I'm not here because I want to be." She admitted. "I'm here because I got feeding duty. So don't make it into something else." She choked back the pain and Spike looked at her like a kicked puppy.

"I'm sorry." He repeated. She was making the crazy inside him worse. The soul hurt worse. Some part of her meant it. All the pain, wanted to get even. "Just kill me." He begged.

"No, you don't get off that easily." Dawn answered calmly sitting beside him. "You didn't allow me that. So I can't give you that. Cause if I weren't here they would have dusted you long ago." Dawn enlightened Spike.

"Are you making me suffer enough Dawn?" Spike asked genuinely. "Will it make you hurt less? Because that's all I want. Do whatever you need to feel better. Please." He begged. The strangest thing he could beg for. Begging her to use him. Hurt him so she could feel better.

"No Spike." She sighed. "I am not trying to make you suffer. Not trying to hurt you." She put her hand to her head. "I just can't take this anymore." The tears that were falling turned into sobs and she couldn't control the way her voice sounded. Spike tried to move closer to comfort her but the shackles restrained him. Dawn half laughed. "Why do you stay in those things?" She asked. "I mean I know you can rip them out. I'm not an idiot." She shook her head.

"Don't deserve to be free." He rambled. "Don't deserve anything. Never did. Don't deserve to love you." He shook his head. Then he breathed in deep and leaned his head against the wall.

"Do you remember everything?" Dawn asked trying not to cry anymore.

"Yes." He answered his voice deep and hoarse. Pained.

"Angel, Giles..." She looked at him and it was enough.

"Yes. I remember. And I am sorry." Spike set his jaw. He hated himself for hurting her. Hated that he couldn't make it stop. Couldn't go back and take away the pain. "Dawn, is there anything at all I can do?" He asked honestly.

"What do you mean?" She asked confused.

"To make you stop hurting. To make you forgive me." Spike sighed looking up at the ceiling. Because he couldn't look at her.

"I wish I knew Spike." She spoke with out any emotion. Just cold hard fact. All she could manage without collapsing.

"Your so strong. How can you live with this soul. Suffer with it and still make any sense.?" Spike asked sincere.

"I'm not strong at all Spike." Dawn whined. "I'm just living each day as much as I can. With out you it's impossible. With what happened, everything. I can't even breathe." Dawn let the tears fall because they had no where else to go. She stood up and tried to flee but couldn't stand. She staggered and fell to the floor.

Suddenly she heard a loud noise and chains rattling. Then Spike was by her side holding onto her cuffs from the chains around his wrist what was left of them on the floor. He wrapped his arms around her body and pulled her into his lap as she cried. Couldn't stop crying. Because the pain was just too much. Everything was falling apart. Shattering. And she couldn't pull away. Didn't want to. Because this Spike, was the one she loved. The one that took care of her. The good Spike. Because of that she knew it would all change. She couldn't see him hurt. And she knew he loved her. No matter how twisted he was before, how sick they all thought she was. She loved him. They knew that in no longer then a few days most of them would be dead. Buffy's plan was crazy, but so crazy it should work. Should. And probably would because they always own. Buffy always saved the world. But most of them would die. Would fall. Because they were not strong enough. Most of the potentials. And someone from the Scooby gang. Maybe more then one someone. So tonight was not about screaming at each other. Or crying. Or refusing to forgive. Dawn laid on the small cot in Spike's arms. Just holding onto each other. Because this was unreal. The fact that she loved him was too much. Because he had let her down before. And it was still him. But in some ways it wasn't. Some ways it was her fault.

"No!" Dawn screamed in her sleep.

"Pet." Spike shook her gently. "It's just a dream. I'm here." He sheltered her.

"Spike?" Dawn whimpered looking up into his eyes.

"Yeah Nibblet." Spike brushed her hair away from her face. "I'm here, and I love you." He admitted once again.

"I love you too." She promised. "Always have." She sighed.

"Do you trust me Dawn?" Spike asked honestly.

"With my life." She admitted. "Always did, you never killed me Spike. Always went for the pain instead of the kill. But I don't care anymore. I don't wanna remember it like it was." Dawn breathed in deep. "Just want you to hold me." She whimpered burying closer to him.

Dawn woke to see her sister standing above her arms crossed. "Anything you feel you need to tell me?" Buffy asked annoyance painted on her face. Dawn sat up.

"No." She shook head as Spike began to come to his senses. "What do you want?" She asked shameless.

"The girls. We attack tomorrow. Take them out." Buffy growled. Anger in her voice.

"Oh, so I have to spend my night teaching a group of whinny little girls how to have fun cause you cant?" Dawn rolled her chromatic eyes.

"Willow can do it. I only asked you because they seem to like you." Buffy admitted. "I would much rather them be with her. As I can see your priority's aren't straight." Buffy hissed and walked up the stairs.

"That was fun." Dawn leaned back on top of Spike and he laughed.

"Yeah sounded like it." Spike smiled. "I'm surprised she didn't bitch at me."

"Her new name should be Bitchy, mom should have named her that in the first place." Dawn smirked.

"Oh, nice one pet." Spike chuckled. "Your different." He announced. "Yourself."

"Yeah, don't forget Spike. I'm still fragile." She admitted. "Don't do it again." She begged.

"Dawn-"

"No." She smiled and shook her head. "No more regrets, no more "sorries" just us. Just this." She put her hand to his face. "You heard what Bitchy said." Dawn smiled. "Tomorrow. That means we could die tomorrow." Dawn closed her eyes. "No time for regrets."

"You wont die tomorrow luv." Spike promised. "That I can promise. I wont let you." He grabbed her hand and put it to his mouth placing a gentle kiss on her fingertips.

"Most of them are gonna die you know." Dawn sighed. "Most of us." She nodded.

"I know." Spike sighed.

"I'm afraid." Dawn whined.

"Shh." Spike grabbed her and pulled her into him forcefully holding onto her tightly. "Don't worry."

The night was filled with tears and promises. Because in the next few hours they would face the First. And most of them would die. Wouldn't make it through the next day. But some of them would. And they would have to live life knowing that what they did was enough to survive. Save the world. But the only thing that was sure. Was the only thing that they never saw coming. Spike and Dawn. Shouldn't have been together. But even through torture and pain. They couldn't find anyone else they would rather be with. Even though after the war was over, they probably wouldn't be able to be as close as this. Dawn would remember all too well what happened. How he treated her. Would remember. The torturing. And he would crumble from guilt. And they would fall apart. But for tonight. They just held each other. Before everything went up in smoke. Before it all fell apart.


End file.
